We had guests over all weekend and I’ve been cooking nonstop. I love having friends over and I really needed to surround myself with good company this weekend. My body was tired and exhausted from all that cooking and cleaning but I wasn’t able to sleep much for the last few days. I had a rough week at work… I had been accused of doing something I didn’t do and while I had a good intention when I tried to express my sincere concern to my coworker. It totally backfired on me. That person had been under a lot of pressure lately and I just stumbled upon at the wrong time and became that person’s target. I felt like… a door mat. A kicking ball. A loser. What it makes me the most upset was not the fact that person was really rude, disrespectful and mean to me for no reason… it was the fact that I didn’t stand up for myself and yell back to her. I just stood there listening to her wrath, accusing me, and all I said was, “you need to calm down.”
That was Friday. I was emotionally struck leaving work that day but I had to stop by a couple of grocery stores on my way home, pick up kids and had a lot of food to prepare for the next day. I couldn’t really share full details to Andrew that night because I was afraid to dish out all my emotions about this and I had no energy to do it. Plus he always gets even more upset than me when I get wronged then I end up cooling him down.
All weekend long, my heart was not at ease. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my mind and thought have been fully consumed to a point, I didn’t know if I even slept at all. I had too much noise in my head, going over every details and how it all happened over and over again. I had such struggle praying because of those too much thoughts in my head and such anger in my heart.
It wasn’t until this monday morning, I realized this isn’t something I can handle on my own. My biggest struggle was how to go back to work on Monday and deal with this situation and I was told to deal with this in front of my management. What. Yeah…
I did my QT this morning, I read Luke chapter 6… I literally just opened the Bible and asked God to guide me and give me some directions for today. And this is what I found.
27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28 bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29 If someone slaps you on one cheek, turn to them the other also. If someone takes your coat, do not withhold your shirt from them. 30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. 33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. 34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, expecting to be repaid in full.35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36 Be merciful,just as your Father is merciful.
What. No. No. This is not it… Please God, give me something else. Something to make me stronger. This is not what I’m expect to do at work and I’m going to look like an idiot if I don’t stand up for myself again…. So I skipped over a couple of chapters and read this:
16 “No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. 17 For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open. 18 Therefore consider carefully how you listen. Whoever has will be given more; whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them.â€
‘Okay… This is good’, I thought. I don’t really understand it but I’ll think about it. There’s something there I can chew on. Than I prayed a little bit and started getting ready for work. Still my heart was hard and very heavy…
We were on our way to school and Chloe’s the first drop off. Chloe likes to chat all the way to school. A lot. Her commute is about 10-15 mins. This morning in the car, the fist thing she said to me was:
Chloe: So. Mommy, I thought about what you can do when you get to work today.
Me: Awww… Chloe! Have you been thinking and praying for me? ( I briefly shared with kids during our devotion that I had a rough day with my coworker at work on Friday and I needed them to pray for me.)
Chloe: Yes. I have been praying everyday since you told me and I know what you should do.
Me: Okay, good. Tell me what you think.
Chloe: I think you should go and be really really mean to your coworker all day. All day long. Then at the end of the day, she’s going to feel so bad like how you felt. Then she’s going to realize being mean is NOT nice and going to say she’s sorry to you.
Me: Wow Chloe! You’re very smart. Yes, you’re absolutely right. Making the other person learn their lesson by doing the same thing is a good option. BUT. Guys, that’s not what Jesus tells us to do.
He tells us that we have to Love our neighbors and even the people who hurt us.
Chloe: I know but that’s not fair and it’s not even possible.
Me: You’re absolutely 100 % right. It is not possible and not fair at all. But you know what’s not right and fair? Jesus dying on the cross. ( As soon as I said this, I felt tears just dripping down my cheeks.)
Clearly it was the holy spirit working in me who’s saying all this.
Me: When someone makes you feel bad and you are to go pray to God and ask…
Shane: Holy spirit!
Chloe: Hey, I was going to say that! We have to ask the Holy spirit to help you.
Me: That’s right!!!! Oh my God! Praise the Lord… (at this point, my make up has completely smeared all over my face.) You’re right! You ask God and Holy spirit will come help you do what Jesus wants you to do….because otherwise we cannot possibly do it by ourselves.
My kids… who are c r a z y ! ! and acts even crazier when we have guests over… behind those mischievous fits, whining, growing attitudes and stubbornness, inside their little hearts, tiny little kingdom seeds are sprouting…
The conversation went on deeper about sin and judgement… then we reached Chloe’s school. We prayed shortly as we always do before I drop off Chloe and she got off with a big smile. Usually after Chloe leaves, Shane asks me to turn the music louder and we both just listen to the Message station music and he sings along. I find this time really calm and relaxing and I love the fact that he loves to sing praise. The first song that came out was “In Christ alone”. It just opened up my heart and I was singing along. Really loud. “The only name” song came on next that’s Shane’s favorite song to sing. He just loves to sing that song. All of sudden, as I was listening to him singing, I felt like huge fire entered in my heart. I felt such comfort and LOVE pouring in. I said to myself, ‘Oh God, nothing else matters’…
Yours will be…
the only Name that matters to me
The only One Whose favor I seek
The only Name that matters to me
Yours will be
The friendship and affection I need
To feel my Father smiling on me
The only Name that matters to me…
Thank you my father God for loving me and taking care of me…Â little me… How Great is my Father…
