Last few months have been challenging for me watching this girl trying to grow up too quickly. I’m seeing her more and more in her room with closed doors, mostly reading and sometimes playing with her Barbies or AG by herself. She’s gotten a lot more sensitive about how we view her, especially me, her mom. She complains to me about how I love Shane more than I love her. This utterly breaks my heart every time I hear it. I tried explaining to her many times that while my amount of love for her and Shane are same, how I show it is different. For example, I just LOVE spending time with Chloe one on one. We definitely have similar interests like cooking, painting, being creative in general, etc, and she talks to me about her friends, school and what she’s into. With Shane on the other hand, I know that he’s such a boyish boy who loves sports, video games and we have very little in common interests. One time I had to run some errands with him and he was just a pain in the butt and complained the entire time. Chloe would never do that even if it’s just going to the dry cleaner for errands. She would be so excited about our little time together. So how I love Shane is mostly through physical affection. Yes, I still hold him like a baby and would carry him around the house until my back can’t handle any more. Plus, that boy in general is so sweet to me showering me with lovely words all day, how can I not, kiss and hug him every 5 mins? It’s impossible. Really.
So seeing me showing more affectionate to Shane, makes her believe I love Shane more than her…
During our talk one night, she said something along the lines of how she tries so hard to gain more love from me by doing this and that and I had to stop her and tell her that there’s nothing she can do more or less for my love…. That was hard to hear…so I’m writing her a letter she can read later.
Dear 8 year old Chloe,
You are my one and only beautiful daughter, Chloe who is so precious to me… You are my daughter therefore I love you and I am so proud of who you are and who you will become. I have loved you since you were in my belly and I’ve been telling you that ever since. I wish I can show you how much love I have for you but I can’t. With all my might and strength, I love you and Shane…the same… It may not seem that way not because it’s not true but because I’m not a perfect mom. Unfortunately, my love is not and can’t be perfect and fair as you expect it to be. I recognize that I am unfair to you many times, and I’m trying to figure out and learn how to be a better loving mom to you… I mess up a lot, and I hope you accept my apologies along the way for hurting your feelings without even knowing that I had done that sometimes. I hope you forgive me and I pray every day that by the Grace of God, you will forget the bad and unfair memories you have of me.
I love you guys the same and that’s the simple truth. I can’t love you the way you long to be loved because we are both sinful humans…but you know who can and who does love you with the perfect love is our perfect God. He Loves you with His perfect love that you long for and I hope you understand that little bit more and more each day. So I hope your heart may be filled with Love from Him and not feel like you’re not loved as you should be. I pray for our relationship and I pray that God will provide me wisdom, patience and love to guide you and teach you to become a beautiful Godly woman.
I love you Chloe with all the love I have in me….
Mom
Chloe’s every growing reading list.
Chloe & Shane’s souvenirs from Turks & Caicos
Kids have been reading about Italy preparing for our trip coming up this summer!
