I have been home all week. I had another cyst situation which first happened last year and it has been a miserable week. Even though I had so much me time from being home to rest, relax, then maybe pray and think/reflect, but I couldn’t do any of them. The pain I was in consumed all of me. I couldn’t eat, I was nauseous, constantly vomiting, not to mentioned the abdominal and back pains, fever and chills. I could barely walk, talk without getting out of breath and towards the end of the week, I became very emotionally drained and weak and almost depressed. I cried a lot. I cried myself to sleep, and would wake up with terrible migraines.
It was Halloween yesterday and I had planned on hosting a little kids party after school. But instead, Andrew and I spent the whole day at the doctor’s trying to find some relief for me. I had missed my kids parades, Halloween party and trick-or-treating around our new neighborhood. I thought at least I should take pictures of the kids in their costumes. But by the time I got all my strength to get out of bed, get my camera ready and go outside to take a picture, Shane was not in his costume anymore. He had already been wearing his costume all day at school and he just refused to put it on again. I begged for him to put it on just for one more time so I could take a picture but he refused and ran away and I got so mad at him. I yelled at him like he had done something horrible.
That night, I took the strongest medicine I ever took in my whole life. When the medicine kicked in, I was falling inside a hole and there’s another hole inside the hole and another hole and while I was falling, kids came to me by my bedside to say good night. I started bawling and I apologized over and over again to Shane. I felt so awful. Shane was gracious and forgiving. He was wiping away my tears and said, “Mommy, it’s okay. You don’t have to say sorry anymore. That’s okay. You are nice. You’re nice.” My sweet boy…He ended up getting back in his costume that day right after I yelled at him and he even gave me a big smile for the camera.
This morning my cleaning lady came to clean so I slept in the guest bedroom(my mom’s room) all morning still drenched in medicine. When I woke up I had no idea where I was. I just stared at this beautiful view of the maple tree through the window. What a beautiful color. Then I wondered around the house looking at all the views from every window to admire the beauty of God’s creations. Then all of sudden, I wondered if there was a reason for all this. Of course, there was. I needed to stop my life so I can see those trees. I have been too busy for God.
Too busy with work, with kids, cooking, planning parties, decorating house, catching up on my TV series at night, shopping online while watching, then it’s only when I’m about to fall asleep, I say a short prayer to God. He came at the very end of my day. I always tell my kids that God is the most important thing in our lives and that nothing else matters. I was not living what I was preaching.
I am. A hypocrite…
{ guest room where I was sleeping }
{ from my bedroom }
{ from Chloe’s room }
The Good news is, God’s always been here with me… that I know my Jesus loves me unconditionally. I need to prioritize my life and sort through some stuff so that I can love him more.
